a list of tags.
its up to you to find out what they stand for
i think my bf might have become one of my best friends and this is
its so eerie
its so weird to be in love with your best friend and not suffer about it
not being afraid to express that love for fear of ruining a friendship.
and its so weird how in just 4 months he became so important to me.
hell we basically started dating as an experiment
i wanted to get to know him to see how things would go sp who would have guessed we’d end up here
i just
love him so much
i think about him so often i just
where would i be without him?
i love him so so much and he doesnt seem to understand why would i choose him and yet
here we are
lord i hope i can stay with him for a long time
i wonder how much time as beautiful as this we have left
I find myself thinking about you again.
What do I even want from you this time?
It’s a mystery that I have yet to fully comprehend. I find myself thinking in what ifs. what should i do if you were actually to reappear like i’ve often daydreamed about, eras ago now? What are you going to do then? It’s been more than a year since we last interacted with each other. How does that make you feel? Do you still think about me sometimes, the same way that I do? Are you afraid of me? Are you uncomfortable at the thought that we may share the same spaces at some point again? because I am and yet! in a way i long to see you. I would panic and yet it would feel incomplete to daydream so long and then to be alone again, even in the company of the one that I love. Is it a need of pride? a desire to brag? Do I need to show you how I’ve moved on despite everything? Is it a wish to rub salt in a wound whose existence is uncertain?
i think that ultimately the part of me you hurt the most wasn’t the one that longed to be loved, even if that was definitely there. it’s the way that you irrevocably showed me that you were able to move on before i did. you were the one who abandoned me first, showing me that you didn’t need me. that you loved me so so so way less than I did. and that hurt my feelings. That hurt my pride. to be rejected despite all the times I cared for you. all the times we cared for each other. and the fact that by abandoning meyou actually finally triggered the hidden mechanism that would one day finally set me free makes me feel so. angry. at myself mostly. for not being better than this.
and maybe i hope to get some sort of soft revenge by rubbing it in your face that i am beloved now. that i don’t need to beg for crumbs of affection from you anymore. Maybe I hope to regain some form of dignity like this. by
doing what? acting like I’m ignoring you while I’ve been scanning my surroundings for hours searching for your presence? trying to lie to you any way i can? how can i get rid of this idiotic need that despite its very goal has it in its nature to put you on apedestal. how can i finally act neutral towards you and can i ever be neutral to you? Am I doomed to forever remember you in this weird light? like the friend who abandoned me? like someone I have to prove something to?
I should have NOTHING to prove to you. less than everything that you somehow made me better by abandoning me. What is it then? Do I need to reclaim the old spaces where I longed for you so long ago? What is it then? Do I have something to prove to myself? an image to build for who? me or him?
What then? What happens then, when I see him from afar and we don’t talk to each other anymore, as it’s most likely to happen? what then? after i see him again and we end up talking? because i refuse to go looking for him anymore, what if he looks for me again? should i be cold? because I’m going to be cold. I don’t need him anymore in my life. I shall approach him as an old friend that I don’t need anymore. whose approval has long stopped being valuable. What if he makes friends with my loved one? What then? What am I supposed to do or feel then? Should I welcome him back into my life?
because I don’t want to.
my flatmate “jane” fucking projects her romantic insecurities onto me and our other flatmates and its fucking tiring
just
if “emily” downloads tinder -a hookup app- to have hookups, you should just, you know, let her fuck in peace, ok?
stop this dream romance bullshit, girl!
its so fucking tiring to hear her all the time go like “ooohhh see him again because you know maybe something more could happen, maybe something, like, love?” OR MAYBE NOT??? maybe someone just wants to have sex??
see this wouldnt be this bad in theory, if she kept this shit to herself. but no! since we live together at some point she usually meet the guys the others are dating and guess what?
she directly asks them “well are you in love??? are you ready to madly fall in love with her yet???” and she already scared away three separate people already like that. and ok OK thet were hookups but what if my other flatmates REALLY had crushes on them? what if they really hoped for something more? you fucked their shit up then THATS what you did. what if they wanted to have a fuckbuddy?? same thing! you scared the toyboys away!
stop that! that almost happened with me and my bf too, literally the only difference was that i was lucky, and i was very lucky to get with him.
stop fucking interfering girl
i have an extremely wide range of knowledge but most of it is shallow at best, which means that i feel like a failure anytime i meet someone with only one skill but hours and hours of experience about it. but atm i have no friends better than me at photoshop, so i feel like a god sometimes
mi sento amata in modi in cui altri non mi avrebbero amato
nonostante tutto nonostante tutto
ive had dont look back in anger stuck in my head for the past 6 hours now
see i think he forgot that when he bullies my hometown he isnt shoving me aside for something that i like and i will keep on liking like most of the things i actively like. its not the same if i do that to his origins. i hate where i came from
i never want to stay too long
he lacks the sensibility to understand how deeply that cuts.
he has somewhere he wants to go. i just have somewhere i want to stay. i dont want to go back doesnt he understand that? doesnt he get how painful it is to try and envision my future and to know deep down that i fear the same things that he fears and that hes slowly pushing me down and that its not as funny as he thinks it is he doesnt understand that he would be in so much pain if i did something similar regarding his career and his future.
yet he deserves to be happy.
it is the great vontradiction of this relationship.
for his happiness to be complete he is going to have to leave me someday
therse a olace thats deeply cursed not just because i came from it but because someday im bound to return
i am a clingy bitch and i hate when strangers come unattended to my house and i dont get a proper earing at least 3 hours prior but we’re here now so im going to try and look slightly better than a dead possum.
i dont want to get out of bed i want to text my bf how i want to squish his face and i miss touching him already and i dont know how to do that.
i simply hate being here sometimes
i feel empty and directionless
i dont know why im here
my executive dysfunction is kicking in hard as hell today,